Traditions Notre Dame Will Not Be Adopting

Some of you have commented that there is no link on the right to the official "Brady Quinn for Heisman" Website. This is because no such website exists. We at Notre Dame have many traditions, but this is not one of them. Our traditions mainly focus on generating revenue for the school, and last time I checked, Notre Dame won't get millions of dollars if Brady wins the Heisman. What other "traditions" do we not advocate in South Bend?

1. Joining a football conference
Why should we join a conference? If we make a BCS game, we get millions of dollars that we don't have to split with anyone. This money goes to developing new hats and t-shirts that our alumni faithfully buy every year, even the year our team is terrible (Wait, did I just write that? Notre Dame has been amazing every year).

2. Yell Practice
We don't have time the Friday night before the game to stand out in the dark and yell loudly for no purpose. That's because all of the students are either sitting quietly in their dorm rooms contemplating Notre Dame's illustrious history or sitting in a five-hour mass quietly contemplating Notre Dame's illustrious history.

3. Rushing the field after a "big" win
At Notre Dame, winning is expected. If we're playing the No. 1 team in the country, we expect to win. If we do win, then we will quietly walk out of the stadium to contemplate the greatness of our school. If we don't win, then the game was never actually played.