More things that don't happen in South Bend

Apparently some Tennessee football players were arrested for fighting in a nightclub. What these kids were doing out anyway after a loss is puzzling to me. When Notre Dame loses (which, I think we've already established, only happens when our opponent cheats), our players meditate in silence for 36 hours in a cold basement with no windows.

This sort of nightclub fight would never occur in South Bend. Not because our players don't like to go out drinking, but because there are no nightclubs in South Bend. Also, the entire team has a strict curfew, which is enforced ... by God (Jesus enforces it on Tuesday). You don't want to try to sneak out of your room when Jesus is patrolling the hallways; he's pretty fast.