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The Dumpster Reveals The Truth

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Touchdown Jesus Says: The Road to Hell is Paved with the Hands of Cheaters

So we really don't need to get into what happened at the end of last year's game against USC. We all know Notre Dame plays worse at home than on the road. The reason for this is that God and Jesus don't usually watch over South Bend that closely because they assume that everything there is pretty holy. This usually results in our opponents doing all sorts of unsavory things (see Michigan State flag-planting). On the road, the Holy Eyes are squarely on our games, so our cheating opponents can no longer hide from divine intervention.

Today, USC will be judged and they will be punished for their past transgressions. They can no longer hide behind the Thunder and Lightning Cloud of Bush and White or the move star looks of Matt Leinart. The entire nation will see that John David Booty is no Brady Quinn and will never appear on the cover of a national sports magazine, smirking slightly with his arms folded. Playing the service academies for three straight weeks, our players have gone up against the most physically fit and intelligent men in the country and we have soundly defeated them. There is no way we are going to lose to a private non-religious rich kid school in Compton.

I could try to predict how we are going to win today, but that would only embarrass you tomorrow when you realize that everything I predicted came true and you just scoffed at it. Suffice it to say, we are going to win and it won't involve a pipsqueak running back pushing a pretty boy quarterback into the end zone because he was too busy looking at himself in the mirror instead of running the play correctly. Final score: WE WIN.

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