Just a Little Taste of What's To Come

SOUTH BEND, Ind.-- I'm writing to you here from our nation's capital (my nation is Notre Dame, not America), and it has been a whirlwind 72 hours. Now I know some of you were expecting me to be depressed because of what happened during yesterday's game against Georgia Tech, but nothing could be further from the truth. Despite what the box score said, Notre Dame was the clear winner yesterday. Let me explain.

Mr. Weis did not name a starting quarterback until game time. I thought this was a clever ruse to hide the fifth coming of Brady Quinn under the new NCAA eligibility rules that were passed in a midnight session Friday night, but what actually happened was much, much better. Our brilliant coach utilized all three quarterbacks, in a new scheme I'm dubbing the Triforce Offense. As you know from the Legend of Zelda series, there are three separate Triforces: Wisdom, Power, and Courage. These three triforces are represented by each of our quarterbacks: phenom Jimmy Clausen is Wisdom, sophomore Demetrius Jones is Power, and Evan "Sharpie" Sharpley is Courage. Now what this new scheme means is that all three quarterbacks line up in the backfield for every play. Before the snap, there is a colossal meeting of the minds, wherein all three debate on the appropriate course of action. Claussen runs a Wisdom play when he spots a subtle yet devastating weakness in the defense, Jones runs a Power play when our players hold the physical edge, and Sharpley runs a Courage play when the odds appear to be even (although, as we all know, Notre Dame always holds the edge), relying purely on the courage and heart of our Notre Dame squad.

This chain of events happens very quickly and silently, as the offense has been learning telepathy all summer. Unfortunately, it appears they were a little rusty yesterday, with it being their first real game with their newly-augmented mental abilities and whatnot. I'm sure the coaching staff will work out the kinks during the week. I just feel sorry for our next opponent. They are going to be on the tail end of a mental and physical beat down!