Up Bright and Early for the Big Game!

Readers of this blog no doubt know of my fascination with time travel and quantum irregularities. Today I am going to challenge the very way you think about the universe and your perception of reality, sort of like The Matrix or Tron did. We all know what happened roughly two years ago when the Trojans last befouled our beloved town, but today we have a chance to rewrite history. No doubt you read about USC's shaky landing at the airport the other day, Evan Sharpley starting over Jimmy "The Carpenter" Clausen, and Mark Sanchez starting over John David Booty. These three occurrences are not random coincidences--allow me to elaborate.

Using the holy power of Notre Dame and an amazing knowledge of T2: Judgment Day, Charlie Weis has in fact sent The Carpenter back in time to that fateful afternoon when a certain cheating team cheated their way past the Fighting (and non-cheating) Irish. He has one mission: to warn the Genius of Reggie Bush's trickery on the final play of the game. With this warning in place, no doubt one of our amazing linebackers will be there to push that dolt Leinart back from the goal line as Bush tries to push from the other side. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you who's going to win that tug-of-war (hint: it's not going to be Leinart's spinal cord).

Unfortunately, USC coach Pete Carroll somehow caught wind of this plan and sent his own agent back in time to stop the Carpenter. If the similarities to T2 are eerie, it's because Carroll called up James Cameron to get some advice on how to send someone back in time. Cameron for some reason want to use lightning, so he rigged a lightning rod for the USC charter flight, connected some wires through a transistor radio to Booty's chair, and viola, instant time machine! When the plane began its harrowing descent, lightning hit the rod, was converted into nega-energy (aka going-back-in-time energy) and opened a time wormhole localized around Booty's chair, which sent him back in time to October 15, 2005.

Right now you're probably thinking, "if your time travel nonsense were even remotely true, couldn't we look up the score of that game and see if Clausen succeeded?" An excellent point, dear reader, but you are unfamiliar with how Terminator time travel theory works. While October 15, 2005 has already occurred for us, it has not yet occurred for Clausen or Booty. They are moving the timeline at an equal rate that we are and therefore the change won't occur until at the exact moment that today's game ends. So when the clock runs out later this afternoon, we will have TWO victories, not one, and I'm pretty sure that we can apply our newly-acquired victory from 2005 to this season, thus putting us back in the title hunt.

Of course, this all depends on The Carpenter's ability to out-think JD Booty and stay alive long enough to pass the message along to the Genius. I've got good intel that says that Carroll gave the order to kill the Carpenter should it be necessary, so I hope Jimmy is good at sneaking around quietly.

Anyhoo, it's going to be a very exciting day for Notre Dame football. GO IRISH!

What's Next?

I'm feeling pretty down right now. I didn't necessarily expect the Irish to beat Michigan, but I was hoping to see some progress. What's going on with the Genius? Look at these two lines: 7-15, 90 yds, 3 TD, 0 int; 11-17, 74 yds, 0 TD, 1 int. If you had asked me before the game which was Clausen and which was Mallett, I would have bet you my priceless sculpture of a nude Brady Quinn that the one with 3 TDs was Clausen.

But alas, Clausen had 0 TDs and ND had 0 points. In fact the Irish only had 79 yds the whole game. Maybe the Genius stopped illegally taping opposing defenses after after the Pats got caught. If so, I'll go tape those bastards from Michigan State myself. Anyway, I'm pretty sick of talking about this, I'm gonna take all my clothes off, wrap myself in my Notre Dame blanket and watch Rudy for 12 straight hours. It's the only thing that will make me feel better.

Just a Little Taste of What's To Come

SOUTH BEND, Ind.-- I'm writing to you here from our nation's capital (my nation is Notre Dame, not America), and it has been a whirlwind 72 hours. Now I know some of you were expecting me to be depressed because of what happened during yesterday's game against Georgia Tech, but nothing could be further from the truth. Despite what the box score said, Notre Dame was the clear winner yesterday. Let me explain.

Mr. Weis did not name a starting quarterback until game time. I thought this was a clever ruse to hide the fifth coming of Brady Quinn under the new NCAA eligibility rules that were passed in a midnight session Friday night, but what actually happened was much, much better. Our brilliant coach utilized all three quarterbacks, in a new scheme I'm dubbing the Triforce Offense. As you know from the Legend of Zelda series, there are three separate Triforces: Wisdom, Power, and Courage. These three triforces are represented by each of our quarterbacks: phenom Jimmy Clausen is Wisdom, sophomore Demetrius Jones is Power, and Evan "Sharpie" Sharpley is Courage. Now what this new scheme means is that all three quarterbacks line up in the backfield for every play. Before the snap, there is a colossal meeting of the minds, wherein all three debate on the appropriate course of action. Claussen runs a Wisdom play when he spots a subtle yet devastating weakness in the defense, Jones runs a Power play when our players hold the physical edge, and Sharpley runs a Courage play when the odds appear to be even (although, as we all know, Notre Dame always holds the edge), relying purely on the courage and heart of our Notre Dame squad.

This chain of events happens very quickly and silently, as the offense has been learning telepathy all summer. Unfortunately, it appears they were a little rusty yesterday, with it being their first real game with their newly-augmented mental abilities and whatnot. I'm sure the coaching staff will work out the kinks during the week. I just feel sorry for our next opponent. They are going to be on the tail end of a mental and physical beat down!

Request From My Loyal Readers

I don't know if any of you watched the U.S. Army High School All American game last saturday, but it showcased some future ND stars. Most notably, Jimmy Clausen (future 4-time Heisman winner) played a significant role in the game. What I really need from all of you is any picture that you might have of Clausen. Right now I'm trying to create a picture collage of the golden boy and can't find enough decent pictures on the Internet. Why do I need a picture collage you ask? Well, I create a collage of every big time prospect that ND lands and put it up in my room. The goal is to have every inch of my room, and hopefully sometime in the future my entire house, filled with pictures of ND legends. I just feel a lot more comfortable when surrounded by the "chosen ones."