Up Bright and Early for the Big Game!

Readers of this blog no doubt know of my fascination with time travel and quantum irregularities. Today I am going to challenge the very way you think about the universe and your perception of reality, sort of like The Matrix or Tron did. We all know what happened roughly two years ago when the Trojans last befouled our beloved town, but today we have a chance to rewrite history. No doubt you read about USC's shaky landing at the airport the other day, Evan Sharpley starting over Jimmy "The Carpenter" Clausen, and Mark Sanchez starting over John David Booty. These three occurrences are not random coincidences--allow me to elaborate.

Using the holy power of Notre Dame and an amazing knowledge of T2: Judgment Day, Charlie Weis has in fact sent The Carpenter back in time to that fateful afternoon when a certain cheating team cheated their way past the Fighting (and non-cheating) Irish. He has one mission: to warn the Genius of Reggie Bush's trickery on the final play of the game. With this warning in place, no doubt one of our amazing linebackers will be there to push that dolt Leinart back from the goal line as Bush tries to push from the other side. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you who's going to win that tug-of-war (hint: it's not going to be Leinart's spinal cord).

Unfortunately, USC coach Pete Carroll somehow caught wind of this plan and sent his own agent back in time to stop the Carpenter. If the similarities to T2 are eerie, it's because Carroll called up James Cameron to get some advice on how to send someone back in time. Cameron for some reason want to use lightning, so he rigged a lightning rod for the USC charter flight, connected some wires through a transistor radio to Booty's chair, and viola, instant time machine! When the plane began its harrowing descent, lightning hit the rod, was converted into nega-energy (aka going-back-in-time energy) and opened a time wormhole localized around Booty's chair, which sent him back in time to October 15, 2005.

Right now you're probably thinking, "if your time travel nonsense were even remotely true, couldn't we look up the score of that game and see if Clausen succeeded?" An excellent point, dear reader, but you are unfamiliar with how Terminator time travel theory works. While October 15, 2005 has already occurred for us, it has not yet occurred for Clausen or Booty. They are moving the timeline at an equal rate that we are and therefore the change won't occur until at the exact moment that today's game ends. So when the clock runs out later this afternoon, we will have TWO victories, not one, and I'm pretty sure that we can apply our newly-acquired victory from 2005 to this season, thus putting us back in the title hunt.

Of course, this all depends on The Carpenter's ability to out-think JD Booty and stay alive long enough to pass the message along to the Genius. I've got good intel that says that Carroll gave the order to kill the Carpenter should it be necessary, so I hope Jimmy is good at sneaking around quietly.

Anyhoo, it's going to be a very exciting day for Notre Dame football. GO IRISH!