Baby Steps

Ok, so we finally got one monkey off our back (an offensive touchdown! two even!), and now we are poised to begin what I'm calling Operation Baby Steps. Normally, we accomplish all of what I'm about to relate to you in the first five minutes of the first game, but due to circumstances beyond the team's control this year, it's taken a bit longer. Anyway, here is our plan for the rest of the season:

1. Get a lead during a game
We got this out of the way against Penn State. Go IRISH!
2. Score an offensive touchdown
Take that, Michigan State!
3. Score another offensive touchdown
They'll be hurting down in East Lansing tonight!
4. Score a passing touchdown
I hope the Purdue secondary won't crap their pants once they see the types of passes that are going to be thrown in their general direction by the legend himself, Jimmy Clausen.
5. Win a game
Again, I hope the Boilermakers are ready to experience the beatdown of a lifetime. Once we are done with them this weekend, they're going to wish Drew Brees was still playing there.
6. Go back in time and prevent the first four losses from happening.
This last part of the plan might take some time to figure out as modern science has concluded that if time travel is possible, it would only be in one direction: from the present to the future. I have found a way around this conundrum. I will travel forward in time to a parallel universe that is several weeks behind our current universe. By converting my body into pure energy and traveling through quantum irregularities, I will be able to reach the wondrous reality where the season hasn't started yet. Having brought with me the game film from our first four games, I will know what plays are coming and will therefore be able to relay to the Notre Dame offense what defensive package is on the field. Bill Bellicheck is a mere amateur compared to me!