Notre Dame Basketball = Better Than You

I don't know if you know this, but Notre Dame is a basketball school. In fact, we invented basketball back in the 1870s as a way to pass the time between football season, 5 am mass, and 7 am mass. With the success of our football team in recent years, our basketball program has been pushed into the background, but no more! As you are probably aware, I am the greatest Notre Dame basketball fan in the history of the school. I have started so many traditions I can't even remember, but I think one of them involved borrowing my roommate's credit card and selling his books back to buy weed. Apparently there are some copycat tradition makers on the team, which has resulted in a bit of trouble.

However, with our past ills behind us, Notre Dame basketball is on the cusp of greatness. In our most recent game, we dismantled the racist Orange of Syracuse with stunning precision. Our strategy lately has been to dominate the perimeter and hope that our shots go in, and if they don't then hope that the ball bounces back towards the shooter. This works really well when we make all of our three pointers, which I expect to happen in about 80% of our games.

Some of my friends like to scoff at our basketball prowess (one in particular who thinks his Ivy League "team" would be able to last 3 minutes against us), but I just ignore it for the most part. I know that we are amazing and you also know we are amazing because I am telling you this right now. We are only a couple of weeks away from the first of 21 straight titles, and boy am I excited!

Posting Up a Storm

As we all know, the mainstream media is biased against Notre Dame. Why else do you think we have to play on NBC when every other team gets to play on ABC, ESPN, or some awesome regional network? Instead we are stuck with the guy who announces the Triple Crown. Our football players are not horses, Tom Hammond (except for our fullback, who is a horse. The Genius saved him from the glue factory, and he was the reason our rushing offense did not finish last in the nation last year).

The latest round of bias is ESPN’s ranking of our current recruiting class. These fellows at “Scouts, Inc.” have Notre Dame ranked ninth in the country. Ninth! That’s not even in the top two, which is where we should be. Apparently 10 “ESPN Top 150” prospects wasn’t good enough for ESPN, since they ranked Alabama six spots higher than us with three few “ESPN Top 150” prospects. The bias is staring me right in the face! Georgia, USC, Ohio State, and Oklahoma are all ranked above us yet have few “quality” prospects. It just doesn’t add up!

Now, I am already a little suspicious of this ESPN Top 150 list to begin with, since all of our incoming freshmen should be ranked in the top 30. I mean, we’ve got Mike Golic Jr. coming in this fall. His dad works for ESPN. How could they not rank him higher than a 79? It just goes to show you how far the bias goes when ESPN is willing to purposefully misrank one of its own employee’s kids just to smear our school.

Now, all objective recruiting ranking sites have Notre Dame listed much higher than ninth. Rivals.com has us at number two behind Alabama, but this ranking is also a bit suspect. We have the highest star average in the country. Why shouldn’t we be number one? I’m not even going to go over the rest of the sites because my blood pressure is pretty high already. I’ll just let our performance this season speak for itself when we got 24-0 (we are playing the equivalent of a 1-A and 1-AA schedule combined) and top it off with a spot in the BCS Title Game at the Orange Bowl. You heard it here first.

I Got Game

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’m not sure if all of you know, but I recently turned 30. I’ve gone into a shell since this development, as I’ve been depressed at my continually diminishing chance of walking onto the Notre Dame Football team, a la Rudy. Obviously, the older a person gets, the lower his or her athletic “upside” becomes.

As I tried out four years in a row and never managed to make the team during my undergraduate years at Notre Dame (as a matter of fact I am saddled to this day with a number of debilitating injuries), I am planning on attending Notre Dame to get my LLM degree and taking one more shot at my dream. I know the Genius will do right by me. Thus, I am now reinvigorated, training Rocky-style, and feeling ready to resume my blogging duties.

I’d like to discuss Notre Dame’s incredible basketball team. As many of you know, ND only recruits players of Irish descent to play b-ball. Thus, the team is normally made up of short, red-haired white guys. As you can imagine, this results in an understandable lack of competitiveness outside of the years that a guy like Troy Murphy shows up.

Well, this year there is no Troy Murphy, there are only short white guys. Yet the team is still amazingly competitive. The key, it seems, to this resurgence is ND’s newly relaxed policy on marijuana.

You see, Kyle McAlarney (short Irish guy) is an amazing basketball player, and particularly, a great long-range shooter. Last year, McAlarney was suspended from the team for smoking weed. Well, it turns out “Big Mac,” as I like to call him, can only shoot effectively when he is high (Kind of like that movie where Method Man goes to Harvard and is really smart when he smokes weed).

The distinguished staff at ND decided that in order to make a real difference this year, they should get Big Mac a medical marijuana prescription. As a result, Big Mac is averaging more than 15 points a game and ND has been ranked in the top 20 for almost the entire season.

I’m not sure if Irishmen of all kinds are better at things when they’re high, but I can tell you one thing - I’m gonna test myself ASAP. Wonder if this would work for JC? Maybe that’s why he didn’t get his Heisman last year. That and the biased voters.