Up Bright and Early for the Big Game!

Readers of this blog no doubt know of my fascination with time travel and quantum irregularities. Today I am going to challenge the very way you think about the universe and your perception of reality, sort of like The Matrix or Tron did. We all know what happened roughly two years ago when the Trojans last befouled our beloved town, but today we have a chance to rewrite history. No doubt you read about USC's shaky landing at the airport the other day, Evan Sharpley starting over Jimmy "The Carpenter" Clausen, and Mark Sanchez starting over John David Booty. These three occurrences are not random coincidences--allow me to elaborate.

Using the holy power of Notre Dame and an amazing knowledge of T2: Judgment Day, Charlie Weis has in fact sent The Carpenter back in time to that fateful afternoon when a certain cheating team cheated their way past the Fighting (and non-cheating) Irish. He has one mission: to warn the Genius of Reggie Bush's trickery on the final play of the game. With this warning in place, no doubt one of our amazing linebackers will be there to push that dolt Leinart back from the goal line as Bush tries to push from the other side. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you who's going to win that tug-of-war (hint: it's not going to be Leinart's spinal cord).

Unfortunately, USC coach Pete Carroll somehow caught wind of this plan and sent his own agent back in time to stop the Carpenter. If the similarities to T2 are eerie, it's because Carroll called up James Cameron to get some advice on how to send someone back in time. Cameron for some reason want to use lightning, so he rigged a lightning rod for the USC charter flight, connected some wires through a transistor radio to Booty's chair, and viola, instant time machine! When the plane began its harrowing descent, lightning hit the rod, was converted into nega-energy (aka going-back-in-time energy) and opened a time wormhole localized around Booty's chair, which sent him back in time to October 15, 2005.

Right now you're probably thinking, "if your time travel nonsense were even remotely true, couldn't we look up the score of that game and see if Clausen succeeded?" An excellent point, dear reader, but you are unfamiliar with how Terminator time travel theory works. While October 15, 2005 has already occurred for us, it has not yet occurred for Clausen or Booty. They are moving the timeline at an equal rate that we are and therefore the change won't occur until at the exact moment that today's game ends. So when the clock runs out later this afternoon, we will have TWO victories, not one, and I'm pretty sure that we can apply our newly-acquired victory from 2005 to this season, thus putting us back in the title hunt.

Of course, this all depends on The Carpenter's ability to out-think JD Booty and stay alive long enough to pass the message along to the Genius. I've got good intel that says that Carroll gave the order to kill the Carpenter should it be necessary, so I hope Jimmy is good at sneaking around quietly.

Anyhoo, it's going to be a very exciting day for Notre Dame football. GO IRISH!

Catholic Grudgematch: An ND-BC Preview

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but the Irish ARE BACK! It only takes one win to start a snowball effect on the whole season. Here's an early prediction: The Irish will win their next six games, bringing their record to 7-5. The BCS will realize the obvious (that the Irish are the best team in the country) and change the rules to automatically put ND in the championship game every year. The Irish will then easily beat whatever inferior opponent they face when JC (meaning Clausen, not the son of God, but they're almost indistinguishable aren't they?) throws for 500 yards and 7 TD's, thus validating his Heisman Trophy once and for all.

Ok, I got a little excited there, and I think the team and I just need to take things one game at a time here. So, here's my preview of the ND-BC game this weekend:

Boston College, currently ranked 4th in the AP poll, comes into South Bend this weekend with a 6-0 record. They have an established QB in Matt Ryan. They also normally have an above average offensive line, which allows Ryan the time to find his receivers and complement that with a decent running game. They average about 35 points a game and have an average margin of victory of 18 points.

That's great. What a nice little year they're having. I feel sorry for these guys. Right now they feel like they have some semblance of a chance to win the game on Saturday. They haven't had a challenge like this all year, and maybe never.

It appears the Genius' botched obesity surgery threw him off a little bit, resulting in 5 consecutive losses. Well, that's over now and the Genius is back to kicking ass. Just ask Carl Dorell. How do you like JC, UCLA? 20-6. What a beating.

I've watched the UCLA game 17 times since Saturday, and one thing is for sure: ND knows how to shut down a QB. McLeod Bethel-Thompson walked on as one of the most-hyped QB's in history and that big-time ND secondary took 4 picks off of him. Matt Ryan will pee his pants at the sight of all our 2-star recruits and converted linebackers in the secondary. I can't wait.

My pants are getting tight just thinking about this game. Here's my prediction: ND 77 - BC 4. Yeah, BC will get two safeties. Take it to the bank. But Ryan will be intercepted 8 times. You don't think the crappiest Catholic school in the country could possibly beat the best Catholic school in the country do you?

The Greatest Day of My Life

I have been rescued from the depths of insufferable torment. I have been saved from eternal damnation. Glory to Notre Dame! Go God and GO IRISH!

Umm yeah...

So at this point in the season, I'm left to wonder what my expectation should be for the next two months. Should I get my hopes up, pray for a miraculous 7-game winning streak, and a bid to the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (or, fingers crossed, the Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl; I love Vegas!)? Or root for the Genius to take the rest of the season off and concentrate on recruiting and coaching the JV squad?

I am going to go with the latter. Obviously, our team has been handicapped this season by the awful recruiting of a certain former golf playing coach. Apparently, during his last year at Notre Dame, said individual's recruiting strategy was to go around to various golf courses around the country and hope that some of the caddies would also be high school football players. This is evidently how our entire offensive line was recruited.

I propose that the Genius turn the reins over to me for the remainder of the season while he visits every recruit's house three times a week. Not only will this let me live out my ultimate fantasy, but the school would stand to save a lot of money by having Mr. Weis eating most of his meals off campus.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that several of my friends are out of the country this week. Hopefully this will translate into more luck for the Irish, since the team mysteriously started playing amazing last Saturday after their plane took off. If this is what it takes for us to win this year, I will pay you guys to stay over in Europe until Christmas.