Is there a bowl game on today?

I remember back in the good ol' days when there only a handful of bowls and Notre Dame won them all every year through clever marketing. Now we have a glut of bowl games sponsored by every Sally Shoeshine and Timmy Toenail company in the country. It's sickening.

Well today I am proposing a solution that will please every body - a new bowl game. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Didn't he just complain about too many bowl games not two sentences ago?" Yes, yes I did. But this new bowl game will revolutionize both bowls and games for years to come.

Presenting: THE NOTRE DAME BOWL.

No, this won't be the bowl game that Notre Dame plays in every year, but it will be played in South Bend and it will feature the Fighting Irish. Think of it as Notre Dame's very own live ESPN Classic. Each year, two teams will earn bids to the ND Bowl and will get to play out a classic Notre Dame game live in South Bend complete with old-time uniforms and everything. The teams will use the six weeks of prep time to practice the execution of every play from the selected game (like what they did for that movie Miracle).

On New Year's Day, the "teams" will then "battle" it out and everyone will cheer as Notre Dame wins. The ND Bowl will also feature Notre Dame losses strategically edited to change the outcome. The inaugural Notre Dame Bowl in 2008 will feature a poignant retelling of the 2005 USC-Notre Dame tilt, in which Charlie Weis has Brady Quinn enter the game as an extra linebacker and push Matt Leinart back from the goal line. It is going to be phenomenal.

Happy Holidays from All of Us Here at The Notre Damest Blog Ever

The Dumpster would like to wish all my readers a very happy holiday (but mostly Christmas and maybe New Year's). If you're looking for a gift for that special someone, why not pick up a chumdumpster t-shirt? They are 100% cotton, pre-shrunk, and as soon as I figure out how to sell them over the Internet, they will be available to purchase for $17.99 in a variety of sizes. Be the life of the party while wearing your very own Notre Dame slash Gonzaga jersey, stitched together by my sister and reigning Ms. Gonzaga. Or pick up a t-shirt honoring the Genius as he checks out the latest offerings at the Chef's Table. We are working on a few more designs for the new year and also welcome feedback from you. Whoever comes up with the best t-shirt design will win a free shirt (or at least of picture of said shirt made by me in Photoshop).

Again, happy holidays and GO IRISH!

The Latest Notre Dame Controversy

With the Sugar Bowl still 4 months away (my extra ticket is still available ladies), my thoughts now turn to college basketball. As you know, this time of year I can usually be seen wearing a Gonzaga t-shirt or sweatshirt, because, let's face it, Notre Dame basketball is only 30% as good as our football team (which is still better than 90% of Division 1, but still). Currently however, the Fighting Irish of the Hardcourt are ranked No. 20 in the AP Poll (but not ranked at all in the USA Today/ESPN Poll, which I see as definitive proof of the anti-Notre Dame bias in the media), while Gonzaga is No. 22/24. I don't think this has ever happened in the history of me rooting for a school I didn't go to.

Needless to say, I've very pleased but angry at the same time, as the college basketball world is not giving Notre Dame the respect it deserves. I mean, we're No. 20/NR in the polls. We've beaten the No. 4 and No. 23 ranked teams in the country! If our football team did that, we'd be ranked No. 1 for the next 20 years, but for some reason, the sports writers of America do not want to give the Irish the respect they deserve. Fortunately, we play in the toughest conference in the history of human competition, so once our Big East schedule starts up, there will be no stopping our rise to the top. Of course there is the possibility that Notre Dame and Gonzaga could face off in the tournament in the near future, but right now, I'm pretending I only root for my alma mater.

Ticket for Sale

As you may know from my previous post, I was fortunate enough to win tickets to this year's Sugar Bowl, where Notre Dame will not only beat LSU by 57 points, but also kill Mike V, LSU's dangerous live (soon-to-be-dead) tiger mascot. I had hoped to use this blog to generate enough ad revenue to pay for my tickets to this glorious event, but sadly, we have only raised $12.61. Rather than cashing this money out to buy a game program or some authentic Mardi Gras beads, I am going to let the money roll over in hopes that I will have enough to buy Final Four tickets in March so I can see Notre Dame play Gonzaga for the title in what will surely be the end of the world.

That brings me back to the current predicament: how to pay for the Sugar Bowl tickets. I had considered going with my brother to the game, but have now decided to sell the other ticket. The ideal candidate would be a Notre Dame alumnus or current student, female, and err, easy on the eyes. Absolutely no SMIC Chics, I can't stress that enough. If any of you reading this blog fits this description, leave a comment explaining why you should get to buy this ticket in 200 words or less.

Tickets to the Big Game

I'm sitting here about 30 minutes away from my Con Law final exam. I can't concentrate at all because I won the Notre Dame ticket lottery and get to purchase tickets to the Sugar Bowl against LSU.

Now all I have to do is find the money to buy the tickets. The game itself will be unbelievable. All those crazy devil-worshippers with their voodoo in Louisiana have no chance against the Irish with God on their side. It wouldn't surprise me at all if lightning struck the LSU sideline and made the game a forfeit for Notre Dame.

After the game, the Irish will be declared the national champs. There's a little known rule in the BCS that says if the Irish win their BCS bowl game and finish with 2 or less losses, they get the championship, no matter what. The glory days are coming baby.

Any way, I need to deal with this free speech crap. I really disagree with this stuff that says we can't discriminate against speech based on what we think about their religious beliefs. If someone's wrong, they're wrong and they should all be put in a holding cell.

Adam Morrison, not the greatest player?

Dave Thorpe (from ESPN) claims:

[Morrison]'s player efficiency rating, which measures a player's overall contributions per minute, is 7.29 (the average PER is 15.00), which ranks Morrison last in the NBA by far among all players averaging 30 or more minutes. The NBA's only starter with a lower PER is defensive specialist Jason Collins of New Jersey, while Morrison is a disaster on defense. So, while harsh, it is fair to call Adam Morrison the worst regular in the NBA according to the stats -- at least so far this season.

Thorpe is an idiot. He is not accounting for all of Adam's intangibles. Like, Okafor can't give mustache rides or anything. Someone has to provide those.

Greatest School of All Time

Oh yes sports fans, Notre Dame is beginning its run of domination in every sport. No, it's not just football anymore. The Fighting Irish have become a basketball powerhouse. The Irish are 7-1 and have beaten Maryland and Alabama.

The Final Four run has begun and soon enough everyone will know how great ND is by the insufferable amount of news coverage they're going to get simply for not shooting at the wrong basket.

If only Jeff Samardjiza played some B-ball he'd be the triple threat. He's 7'2", he could do it. Hopefully the Zags and Notre Dame won't have to play each other b/c if they did my head would probably explode.

Anyway, thanks for the continued support and check back for more info on Notre Dame B-Ball.

1000 Hits!

So, as you may have seen from our site counter, we recently went over 1000 hits on the blog, which is more than I ever dreamed possible. We'll probably be at 1100 by the time you read this, but about 100 of those were me, so consider yourself the 1000th visitor! When I started this little blog 6 weeks ago, I had no idea it would change my life. The people I have met and talked with through this blog are now a big part of my life, and I just want to say thank you. Back in the beginning, there were a lot of naysayers who said naysaying things about whether I could keep this up for more than 3 days. I think I've obviously proven them completely wrong.

While the New Year is still away off, you can expect some big changes once 2007 (aka Year that Notre Dame Will Win the National Title) rolls around. It may get a little Zaga-centric in here at least until the Pirates report to Spring Training and Mel Kiper spends 7 weeks breaking down why Brady Quinn will be the most successful quarterback of all time. The anticipation is killing me.

The Suspense is Killing me (EDIT: Killed Me)

So tonight they announce the winner of the Heisman Trophy and it will most likely go to Troy Smith of Ohio State. Fine. Whatever. Basically this was decided back in September, when some brilliant color guy confused Troy Smith for Michael Vick and everyone went hysterical. I'm not even going to attempt to compare stats because stats don't tell the whole story.

For example, Brady Quinn's completion percentage is four points lower than Troy Smith's. Some would say that this indicates that Quinn is a less accurate passer. I would interpret this as meaning Ohio State played crappy teams with crappy secondaries. But what do I know? Quinn has five more passing touchdowns than Smith, but some would say that's because Notre Dame played a ton of "cupcakes." People seem to forget that other than Michigan and Texas, Ohio State didn't really play anyone of note. In fact, almost the entire Big Ten was a bunch of cupcakes. Why isn't anyone whining about the Buckeyes' schedule? Oh, that's right, because they play in a conference! They have to play those awful teams and we can schedule whoever we want. Why should our schedule be any harder than any other random Big Ten team? IT SHOULDN'T!! Therefore, all schedule criticisms are null and void from this point out and Brady's six extra touchdowns (he has two rushing TDs compared to Smith's one -- who's the running QB now, bitch?) should give him the edge. Also he has more passing yards. QED.

UPDATE: That was the most atrocious thing I have ever watched. Probably the most buildup for the most obvious result ever. If I'm Brady Quinn or Darren McFadden, do I even want to be there and have them summarize my accomplishments when I know there's no chance I'm winning this stupid trophy? Do they even want to win so that in the slight chance they don't make it in the NFL and then get invited back as a past winner and actually be able to come to this sham of a ceremony? I mean, I guess they could get shit-faced with Eric Crouch the night before. What a fucking waste of time.

ND B-Ball

Ordinarily my allegiance for basketball is with the 'Zags because I can't root for Notre Dame. I'm quite a homer, so I can't handle rooting for a team that routinely sucks balls (other than the Pirates). However, the Fightin' Irish B-ball team is kicking some serious ass.

Last night they beat Number 5 Alabama. In addition to simply beating the Crimson Tide, Notre Dame did it by scoring 99 points. In a college game, that is huge. ND better be ranked in the top ten next week. Everyone knows that anytime ND wins a big game they have to be outrageously overrated so that the networks can get big ratings out of them playing some highly ranked team. Notre Dame then proceeds to lose to the other, properly ranked team very badly (see every bowl game for the last 10 years).

Anyway, soon Notre Dame will win the hat trick of National Championships by winning football basketball and baseball. Including the winning touchdown catch, and winning game of the world series pitched by Jeff Samardzija. Follwing this I will have a beautiful, long-haired 3-way with Samardzija and Adam Morrisson. OK, that last part might not happen, but I wish it would.

OSU-Florida? Please.

You may be wondering why I have not weighed in on the latest BCS "disaster." Frankly, I couldn't care less, since Notre Dame will be playing for the national championship for the second year in a row. What's that? You say that Notre Dame didn't even make the title game? How young and foolish you are.

As you know, Notre Dame has its own set of requirements to get into a BCS bowl; namely, we must finish in the BCS Top 12 and then we will go to the best bowl available since everyone wants to see us play and our fans would travel to an uninhabited island in the middle of the South China Sea if the game was being played there.

However, you may not be aware of the other special BCS requirement that only applies to us. If we beat a team from Michigan and California and a service academy, we qualify for the BCS Super Switch. What this does is allow us to switch the location of the national title game this year. For now, the title game is OSU-Florida in Glendale, but the Genius can activate the Super Switch at any time before the end of our bowl game, making the bowl we're playing in (the Sugar Bowl this year) the title game. Obviously we didn't get to use the Super Switch last year since we fell pretty far find those cheating Buckeyes, but I have a good feeling about this year. If you're watching the Sugar Bowl and you see someone wheel out a red button in a plastic case (like on "Deal or No Deal"), get ready because that means the Super Switch is about to be activated and it is one hell of an event.

My Bad, it's Just Been Tough

A couple of posts ago I blamed my loyal readers for my lack of posts. That was not right and I'm sorry. After the loss to USC I became incredibly depressed and anti-social. I was projecting my feelings of pain and anguish by punching everyone I saw in the stomach. I couldn't help it, it was an instant reaction to anything that anyone said to me.

But now, I'm back, the posts are going to be fast and furious now as I concentrate on Gonzaga's run to the Final Four, the Pirates' penant hopes, and my inappropriate fascination with skinny white guys who have child-molester mustaches.

Speaking of the Pirates, I was watching some vintage Pirates videos of Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla and Andy Van Slyke the other night. I recorded them in 1987, my senior year of high school. I don't believe for a second that Barry is on steroids. He was a beast back then and he still is now. It's a medical fact that people grow as they get older. My hat size grows every year, and the only supplement I use is baby formula (have to get my nutrients).

Anyway, I'll have some more posts in the near future on my 'Zags, so stay tuned.

Day of Meaningless Games

Today, we will witness the craptitude that is the conference championship game. We will watch as several good teams play several other good teams and then get awarded some sort of corporate sponsored trophy and a trip to the Lotrimin Ultra Bowl. These games, as we all know, are being played to bring in millions of dollars for their respective conferences, but more importantly, they're being played so that during the first quarter intermission, they can bring out a giant Dr. Pepper can and have some guy try to throw a football through a tiny hole in the can to win $1 million which he'll just donate to his church anyway.

My point is that these games are a stupid way to make money. You know what's a smart way to make money? Not being in a conference. Did you know Notre Dame has its own television deal and will keep every last cent of money it gets from playing in whatever BCS bowl is secretly being changed to the national title game? True story. Whereas other schools have to split up all the money from bowl games and record commercials where their coaches talk about good sportsmanship (before, during, and after the game), we split up the money amongst ourselves and record commercials bragging about it. Even when we're not playing, our team is making money. Whereas Georgia Tech will only receive $13 in quarters if they beat Chris Paul and the the Demon Deacons this afternoon, we will get $4 million for giving NBC the rights to show a game from 1987 against Navy.