We're blowing up

I decided it was time to drum up support for the blog on the message boards and we are getting a flood of new readers. Welcome! Please be sure to check out the voluminous archives of my various musings, recounting the glory days of 2006. With any luck, the Dumpster phenomenon will spread across the Internet and we will be linked to on Deadspin! A man can only dream.

Baby Steps

Ok, so we finally got one monkey off our back (an offensive touchdown! two even!), and now we are poised to begin what I'm calling Operation Baby Steps. Normally, we accomplish all of what I'm about to relate to you in the first five minutes of the first game, but due to circumstances beyond the team's control this year, it's taken a bit longer. Anyway, here is our plan for the rest of the season:

1. Get a lead during a game
We got this out of the way against Penn State. Go IRISH!
2. Score an offensive touchdown
Take that, Michigan State!
3. Score another offensive touchdown
They'll be hurting down in East Lansing tonight!
4. Score a passing touchdown
I hope the Purdue secondary won't crap their pants once they see the types of passes that are going to be thrown in their general direction by the legend himself, Jimmy Clausen.
5. Win a game
Again, I hope the Boilermakers are ready to experience the beatdown of a lifetime. Once we are done with them this weekend, they're going to wish Drew Brees was still playing there.
6. Go back in time and prevent the first four losses from happening.
This last part of the plan might take some time to figure out as modern science has concluded that if time travel is possible, it would only be in one direction: from the present to the future. I have found a way around this conundrum. I will travel forward in time to a parallel universe that is several weeks behind our current universe. By converting my body into pure energy and traveling through quantum irregularities, I will be able to reach the wondrous reality where the season hasn't started yet. Having brought with me the game film from our first four games, I will know what plays are coming and will therefore be able to relay to the Notre Dame offense what defensive package is on the field. Bill Bellicheck is a mere amateur compared to me!

What's Next?

I'm feeling pretty down right now. I didn't necessarily expect the Irish to beat Michigan, but I was hoping to see some progress. What's going on with the Genius? Look at these two lines: 7-15, 90 yds, 3 TD, 0 int; 11-17, 74 yds, 0 TD, 1 int. If you had asked me before the game which was Clausen and which was Mallett, I would have bet you my priceless sculpture of a nude Brady Quinn that the one with 3 TDs was Clausen.

But alas, Clausen had 0 TDs and ND had 0 points. In fact the Irish only had 79 yds the whole game. Maybe the Genius stopped illegally taping opposing defenses after after the Pats got caught. If so, I'll go tape those bastards from Michigan State myself. Anyway, I'm pretty sick of talking about this, I'm gonna take all my clothes off, wrap myself in my Notre Dame blanket and watch Rudy for 12 straight hours. It's the only thing that will make me feel better.

ESPN.com: Someone's Gotta Win

For the first time this season, I will not be in attendance at this week's Notre Dame game. I think my presence was distracting the team just a little bit. It's as if the players could sense me live-blogging about them while they were on the field, and their expectations shot through the roof. To help the team concentrate more this week, I will be a full 1000+ miles away from them when they start kicking the crap out of the Wolverines in a few minutes. Although, I hope the team doesn't subscribe to the "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" philosophy.

Breaking News!

It's just been announced that the douchebag stealing playing time from Brady "Hardbody" Quinn has been traded. Yes, it's true, the Browns traded Charlie Frye to the Seahawks for an undisclosed draft choice. Unless the draft still has 15 rounds, I don't understand how that jackass warrants a draft pick, but good for the Browns for getting what they could.

As you can all see, even in the darkest of days, a true Irish fan must keep the faith. You can only hold us down for so long. The only thing that would make this better would be to find out that the Browns secretly paid Samardzija $80 mil to leave baseball and team up with his superstar QB, and Jamal Lewis framed Derek Anderson for coke distribution, getting him a long stretch in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

I've got about five grand saved up from this summer. I'm feeling so good about this right now that I just bought a ticket to Vegas. My plan is to take the Browns against the spread for the rest of the 15 regular season games, as well as the playoffs. That's correct, the Browns will make the playoffs. They'll probably have a bye, as they'll go 15-1 with Brady at the helm. So, if you'd like to make an easy buck or two, grab a plane ticket and meet me in Sin City.

What if...?

Sometimes after a tough Notre Dame loss (Hypothetically of course; as we know, the Irish have never lost), I look back at the game and wonder what would happen if only one play went differently. Well, this weekend at the game, I not only wondered this, I LIVED it. While most of you saw Notre Dame fail to score from the five-yard line and settle for a field goal, I did not.

On third and 5, I felt a strange tingle in my hand. Looking down, I was no longer wearing my white ND shirt. Instead, I was somehow wearing my green ND shirt! Odd, I know. Clausen took the snap, pump faked, then ran a brilliant 5 yards for the touchdown, knocking over several Penn St. players and I think JoePa as well. This proved to be the turning point Notre Dame needed to mount a comeback and topple Penn State.
Needless to say, the Beaver Stadium crowd was not happy at the end of the game while I gloated in the parking lot (see above).

After a night of revelry with the other ND faithful who made the trek to formerly Happy Valley, I awoke to a bird chirping on the windowsill in my hotel room. Suddenly, I felt another tingle in my hand. I looked down, and, as a Antarctic chill swept over my body, I found myself back in Beaver Stadium, clad in my white ND shirt. As I looked up, I saw Jimmy "Jesus Christ" Clausen's pass fall incomplete. Field goal. Momentum halted.

I know what you're probably thinking. "This sounds like the musings of a slightly insane person or a slightly awesome one. It was probably just a dream." I beg to differ. Driving back home, I was sadly looking over the pictures my friend Jonny took with his camera phone during the game, and stumbled upon the one you see above. Do you see who that is? THAT'S ME IN MY GREEN SHIRT CELEBRATING OUR VICTORY! Somehow I must have stumbled into an parallel universe where Notre Dame not only won the game, but also had won the previous 25 national titles. It's like that episode of the Twilight Zone where William Shatner stops in that diner with the fortune teller machine! Somehow, this picture made its way over to our universe, but the quantum transfer must have fucked up the quality, hence my blurry appearance.

Nevertheless, there exists a universe out there where Notre Dame reins supreme, and God willing, one day I will return there!

Glass Half Full

People are being pretty negative right now about God's team. I have to admit, I've been on a 36 hour PCP binge since the end of the game (you can get drugs anywhere here in State College, PA). Everyone thinks that the Irish are in trouble just because they've only scored 13 points in two games. What people don't understand is that this is all part of the master plan. The Genius is setting the whole country up for a giant beat down.

The Genius has inserted JC (get the double entendre?) into the starting lineup to resurrect the offense. Michigan State won't know what hit em in two weeks. The way I see it, Clausen throws for 550 yards, 6 TD's and is carried off the field by the whole team, while Zbikowski gives the new Mich State head coach a vicious left hook right in the face.

OK, my pants are getting a little tight right now, so I'll leave it at that and try to pass out in my bathtub, and avoid a trip to the hospital.

Live From State College

STATE COLLEGE, PA.- This post is coming from you live from the Beaver Stadium concourse (I'm dictating it to my sister from a pay phone by the men's bathroom). I'm not going to lie, I'm not having a good time. I accidentally wore my white Notre Dame t-shirt to the game, and today is apparently the "White Out," so legions of stupid Penn State fans have been coming up to me to give me five, only to look at my shirt more closely and then slap me in the face. Not a good time.

On the field, we are not doing much better. It's like last week all over again, except I'm surrounded by people who will probably kill me if I cheer after Jimmy Clausen completes a pass. The silver lining in all of this is that by playing such tough teams early in the season, we should be clicking on all cylinders when we enter the brutal stretch of schedule later in the season.

Finally, I would like to give a shoutout to my friend Jonny for allowing me to experience Penn State football in person. I hate you.

God's Other Team

Little known fact: God is a Pirates fan. Anyone can root for a good team; it takes the strength of a deity to follow a team such as the Pirates, and I, of course, have that strength. Following the Buccos this season has almost sapped almost all of my delegated baseball strength, but fortunately I will soon be rewarded.

You see, despite what most pundits think, the Pirates are indeed still in the playoff hunt. Only 10.5 games out of first place in the league's weakest division, the team can make up a ton of ground by winning its next 11 games. Didn't the A's win 20 games in a row a couple of years ago? This is nine games less than that. Piece of cake.

Need any more proof that the Pirates are the real deal? Pop quiz - who won the NL batting title last year? That's right, Freddy Sanchez. What team does he play for? The Pirates. QED.

Just a Little Taste of What's To Come

SOUTH BEND, Ind.-- I'm writing to you here from our nation's capital (my nation is Notre Dame, not America), and it has been a whirlwind 72 hours. Now I know some of you were expecting me to be depressed because of what happened during yesterday's game against Georgia Tech, but nothing could be further from the truth. Despite what the box score said, Notre Dame was the clear winner yesterday. Let me explain.

Mr. Weis did not name a starting quarterback until game time. I thought this was a clever ruse to hide the fifth coming of Brady Quinn under the new NCAA eligibility rules that were passed in a midnight session Friday night, but what actually happened was much, much better. Our brilliant coach utilized all three quarterbacks, in a new scheme I'm dubbing the Triforce Offense. As you know from the Legend of Zelda series, there are three separate Triforces: Wisdom, Power, and Courage. These three triforces are represented by each of our quarterbacks: phenom Jimmy Clausen is Wisdom, sophomore Demetrius Jones is Power, and Evan "Sharpie" Sharpley is Courage. Now what this new scheme means is that all three quarterbacks line up in the backfield for every play. Before the snap, there is a colossal meeting of the minds, wherein all three debate on the appropriate course of action. Claussen runs a Wisdom play when he spots a subtle yet devastating weakness in the defense, Jones runs a Power play when our players hold the physical edge, and Sharpley runs a Courage play when the odds appear to be even (although, as we all know, Notre Dame always holds the edge), relying purely on the courage and heart of our Notre Dame squad.

This chain of events happens very quickly and silently, as the offense has been learning telepathy all summer. Unfortunately, it appears they were a little rusty yesterday, with it being their first real game with their newly-augmented mental abilities and whatnot. I'm sure the coaching staff will work out the kinks during the week. I just feel sorry for our next opponent. They are going to be on the tail end of a mental and physical beat down!