Slowing Down

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting a lot recently. You may also have noticed that you aren't checking this site as often. When I see the number of people visiting this site drop dramatically, it makes me think like you don't want to read what I have to write. And that makes me angry, in a sad way. So basically, it's your fault I'm not writing more. I hope you can sleep at night.

Notre Dame and the Curse of the 1925 NFL Championship

Notre Dame has long been dominant in the realm of college football, but in the old days (aka several years before I was born), there were the dominant team in all the land, pro or college. In the 1920s, the fledging NFL begged Notre Dame to play its champion in a friendly exhibition match. The Irish were happy to accept and even promised to throw the exhibition to give the league stature (so that it would be around when Notre Dame decided to declare itself a professional team).

In 1925, the Frankford Yellow Jackets arranged for Notre Dame to play the best NFL team at the end of the season, predicting that they would finish with the top record. However, the upstart Pottsville (PA) Maroons embarrassed the Yellow Jackets 49-0, and went on to finish with a 10-2-1 record, earning the right to play Notre Dame. The Irish were not too happy with these events, and they hatched a plan to eliminate the Maroons permanently. Rather than kill them during the game as was customary at the time, Notre Dame examined the NFL rules in great detail. They then had the Yellow Jackets schedule a game in Philadelphia on the same day as the Pottsville-ND tilt (which was also being played in Philly). This violated Frankford's franchise rates and although Pottsville "beat" Notre Dame that day, the NFL commissioner stripped the team of its championship.

Why would Notre Dame do such a thing? The town of Pottsville was quickly becoming a second New York Cit, attracting all sorts of bluebloods and what have you. This severely threatened the viability of South Bend as a mecca of cultural and athletic arts. The Irish knew that if the Maroons were humiliated by having their title stripped from them, the town would soon collapse on itself. And so it did.

The Irish scheme also had one unintended consequence. After Pottsville was stripped of its title, the league awarded the Chicago (now Arizona) Cardinals the title. Refusing this phony honor for a few years, the Cardinals finally accepted. However, in accepting the title that formerly belonged to the Maroons, the Cardinals received an equal share of the Irish Curse that had been cast to destroy Pottsville. This curse has brought nothing but misery to the team that is now the Arizona Cardinals, as their football ineptitude continues to show no equal.

In order to lift this curse, the Cardinals must either give back the trophy to Pottsville or play Notre Dame in an exhibition game in Philadelphia. Arizona has refused, mainly because they have won so few league championships that they cannot afford to give one up (and also because they would get creamed by Notre Dame). However, the Irish are quite content to let this curse continue, because as soon as it is lifted, the city of Pottsville will rise from the ashes and return to its former glory, threatening the very existence of Notre Dame. To use an analogy you might better understand, it would be equivalent to Sauron recovering the One Ring at the end of The Return of the King, instead of him just standing there in eye form on the top of his stupid tower.

If the fateful day ever comes and the Maroons regain their lost trophy, I pray that you will all be somewhere safe, as the fury of the town of Pottsville is unequaled in all the world.

In Game Commentary From the Bars

I will be posting periodically during the night while I hop around to all the different Irish bars in the Greater DC area.

• Mr. Days: Brady Quinn is running a lot so far. This is because USC is incapable of stopping a quarterback who is running with the ball, even if he is running in a straight line at medium speed.
• McFaddens: Is this even an Irish bar? People here are watching a Buffalo Bills pre-game show. It's halftime and I'm looking for a t.v. not tuned to a Buffalo station.
• Downstairs in the back watching this really small t.v. What is it with USC receivers who make spectacular catches but then suck in the pros? Also what's with USC running backs who murder their ex-wives/get free houses for their parents?
• Lucky Bar: I am in my prime when I am arguing with idiots who root for other teams, so I have traveled here to the land of belligerent sports fans. If any of you are in town, please come out here now, as I may need backup later when I get into a fight with drunk GW frat boy.
• Good to see former ND coach Ty Willingham is back on his feet and doing DiGiorno frozen pizza commercials. I think it will be awhile before any school near a golf course gives him a job.
• I guess if you're USC, you can't be bothered recruiting a kicker who can make an extra point.
• Irish Times: I have come here to drown my sorrows with pitchers of Guinness. I would appreciate someone coming over here to put me in a cab at some point. Thanks in advance.
  

Touchdown Jesus Says: The Road to Hell is Paved with the Hands of Cheaters

So we really don't need to get into what happened at the end of last year's game against USC. We all know Notre Dame plays worse at home than on the road. The reason for this is that God and Jesus don't usually watch over South Bend that closely because they assume that everything there is pretty holy. This usually results in our opponents doing all sorts of unsavory things (see Michigan State flag-planting). On the road, the Holy Eyes are squarely on our games, so our cheating opponents can no longer hide from divine intervention.

Today, USC will be judged and they will be punished for their past transgressions. They can no longer hide behind the Thunder and Lightning Cloud of Bush and White or the move star looks of Matt Leinart. The entire nation will see that John David Booty is no Brady Quinn and will never appear on the cover of a national sports magazine, smirking slightly with his arms folded. Playing the service academies for three straight weeks, our players have gone up against the most physically fit and intelligent men in the country and we have soundly defeated them. There is no way we are going to lose to a private non-religious rich kid school in Compton.

I could try to predict how we are going to win today, but that would only embarrass you tomorrow when you realize that everything I predicted came true and you just scoffed at it. Suffice it to say, we are going to win and it won't involve a pipsqueak running back pushing a pretty boy quarterback into the end zone because he was too busy looking at himself in the mirror instead of running the play correctly. Final score: WE WIN.

Debate Over

With Texas losing to A&M this afternoon, I hope we can put this ridiculous debate to rest as to whether Colt McCoy is better than Brady Quinn. McCoy's line today: 17 for 28, 166 yards, and most importantly, 3 INTs! Goodbye Heisman! (Just kidding. McCoy wouldn't have even made the top 10 in voting). Despite the fact that McCoy's stats appear to be better on paper than Brady Quinn's, it is extremely important to note that there are two other Longhorn players who are also named McCoy, and one of them is a quarterback. How do we know that it was actually Colt who throwing all those passes? To be fair, there is another Quinn on the Irish, but he is a linebacker and also he is pretty ugly. No one would confuse the two.

To end this argument once and for all, let's compare Quinn and McCoy's stats in rivalry games. Brady Quinn has thrown for over 3000 yards and 32 TDs in rivalry games this year (aka all games), whereas I already went over McCoy's stats against Texas A&M and they were awful. Case closed.

Musings Before Dinner

As I sit here watching this awful football game featuring no Notre Dame alumni, I am thankful that I went to a school with such an amazing football program that I never have to follow the NFL ever. Other things I am thankful for:

• Gonzaga basketball, who will soon enter the top 25 after being National Champ once-removed UNC. That means both teams I root for have beaten UNC this year, which has never happened before.
• Brady Quinn, for being the best quarterback in the history of college football.
• The Genius, for being such a Genius.
• Rock legend Roger Daltry, who will be guest starring tonight on CSI
• Phil Simms and Jim Nantz, for not being Joe Buck (although I am pretty close to cutting my ears off)
• Karma, for making Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart suck so much in their rookie seasons
• Finally, John Madden, for popularizing the amazing bird that is turducken.

Happy Holidays

To all my readers out there, have a great Thanksgiving. I am currently locked in a room going over some game film of last year's USC-Notre Dame game and will be writing an analysis to forward to the coaching staff. I think I've finally figured out the key to beating Reggie "Lightning" Bush: rubber shoes. More thoughts on this weekend's game in a few days.

Weekly BCS Grumblings

Before I get to my post-game thoughts on our epic struggle against the strongest service academy in the world, I would like to again register my BCS complaints.

FICTION: Michigan shouldn't be penalized for losing its last game.
FACT: Losing the last game of the regular season is like going out with a whimper. The Wolverines should have been knocked down more in the computer rankings, after their defense couldn't have stopped a small kitten if it tried to run up the field.

FICTION: Ohio State deserves to be in the national title game.
FACT: Ohio State didn't beat anyone good on their way to a 12-0 record. They beat No. 2 Michigan, who also hadn't beaten anyone (wins via cheating obviously don't count). They beat then no. 2 Texas in Austin, which doesn't count for anything since Texas lost to Kansas State. That's it. The Buckeyes wouldn't even have played Texas in the first place this season if the Longhorns hadn't surprised them with a game in Columbus last year. Seriously, the team just showed up unannounced during OSU's bye week and Coach Tressel foolishly agreed to play them. We all know how that turned out. Ohio State's other out-of-conference games included Northern Illinois, Cincinnati, and Bowling Green, who were dead last in D-1A in a little stat I like to call "tradition."

FICTION: USC should jump Michigan if they win out.
FACT: USC made it to last year's title game by literally cheating. Everyone (not just the Irish fans) knows this. To punish them for their indiscretions, they should not be allowed to play in the title game this year or any year for that matter, although they are probably our biggest rival EVER.

FICTION: Notre Dame should not jump Michigan since the Wolverines beat Notre Dame at home in September.
FACT: In addition to the Wolverines cheating during the game, they also cheated before the game. Lloyd Carr told the Genius that that game was going to be an exhibition, so our starters were taking it easy for the first three quarters until one brave student ran down from the stands to inform Mr. Weis that this game indeed counted. The furious comeback that ensued was unfortunately too late, and the Irish lost. It is partially our fault that we lost since the Genius is sometimes too trusting. I propose a rematch in two weeks on a neutral field, since Michigan now has almost two months off. Winner goes on to Glendale.

Senior Day (aka better than "Judgment" Day)

Tomorrow is Senior Day, and for all our departing seniors (Brady Quinn, and whoever else), this will be the last time they will play at Notre Dame Stadium in their entire lives. Clearly an emotional event for all involved. Usually Senior Day involves bringing out the players' parents and having some of them address the crowd over the PA system. Unfortunately, due to the lack of wireless microphones at the House That God Built, each senior's departing message will be written in skywriting above the field at halftime.

This week, the Genius came up with a hilarious way for Notre Dame to beat Army. Noticing the similarity between the two teams' helmets, Mr. Weis had the secondary paint black stripes down the middle of their helmets to mirror Army's helmet. They will also be wearing color-change jerseys, which will change to white after being sprayed with water. This will lead to hilarious plays where the Army quarterback thinks he's throwing it deep to one of his receivers, when it's just one of our safeties pretending to run down the sideline. Instant interception!

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Army is one of our biggest rivals (although every team we play is one of our biggest rivals, because we only schedule our biggest rivals!). Bruce Feldman on ESPN Insider did not even include this rivalry in his Top 10, which I don't have to tell you is ludicrous. Even though this is only the third time we've played Army in 21 years, those guys always come to play, which, I think we've established, is the benchmark for a Notre Dame rivalry. Sure, they've only beaten us eight times overall, but they tied us four times, and I'm pretty sure you can't get a tie in college anymore, so that is something.

"Judgment" Day

People are making a big deal about the Michigan-OSU game tomorrow afternoon, so I thought I would chime in. Let me just state right off the bat that I think this game is going to be a huge letdown for everyone involved. Fans of the winning team are going to be depressed because they will realize that they now have to play Notre Dame for the national title. The losing team's fans are also going to be depressed because they won't be able to lose graciously to Notre Dame in the title game.

Who is going to win tomorrow? Well you may think I'll pick Michigan because they beat Notre Dame earlier in the season. WRONG. As I've said many times on this blog, the Wolverines blatantly cheated during that game. For example, that first Michigan touchdown occurred because one of the Wolverine student managers snuck into our locker room before the game and put magnets in all the receivers' and tight ends' gloves. They also put a magnet in every game ball. When our tight end John Carlson tried to catch a pass on the second play of the game, the ball sailed through his hands because the magnet poles in the ball and gloves were oriented the same way. I do have to hand it to those guys though. For a public school, they are pretty clever.

As for Ohio State, they only beat Notre Dame last year because Brady Quinn's sister gave away the entire Irish play book to then-boyfriend/OSU LB now-husband/Green Bay LB AJ Hawk. As for why Brady would even tell that slut even one Irish play is beyond me, but the Genius has been chewing him out for the past year because of this.

My prediction: with the game tied at 17 with three minutes left, a giant earthquake will swallow the entire Horseshoe and both teams will die. This leaves the door open for Notre Dame to waltz into the title game. Huzzah!

The Hot Stove is Heating Up!

The Red Sox apparently offered the Seibu Lions $51.1 million (or 85000 Playstation 3s) for the rights to talk to Japanese superstar pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. They now have 30 days to work out a deal with Scott Boras (who went to McGeorge Law School, a noted T4 institution). I think this is a dumb move for Boston, not because Matsuzaka isn't a good player, but because I will be forced to beat up every Red Sox fan I hear butchering his name for the next four years. Also everyone in Boston is racist.

Another story that's not getting any press at all is the Pirates' attempt to land Cuban defector Yuslan Herrera. You may remember Herrera as the star of the Cuban Olympic team that won the gold medal in Athens. I know I do. I remember calling my dad after the gold-medal game and pondering how great it would be if Herrera would defect to the Dominican Republic in two years and if we could possibly sign him to bolster our rotation now that we don't have Oli Perez.

Signing Herrera would be a brilliant move for GM Dave Littlefield, even though Herrera hasn't pitched competitively in more than a year. Apparently Littlefield saw him pitching off a mound in abandoned sandlot after he had gotten lost going back to his hotel in Santo Domingo, and was really impressed. I would be willing to put money on Herrera winning Rookie of the Year for the Pirates, while Matsuzaka goes back to Japan disgraced in July after getting into a bar fight with a drunk Southie.

The Family Code of Honor Has Been Shattered

I am furious this afternoon and it has nothing to do with Army's refusal to forfeit the game this Saturday (apparently there's something called "honor" in the service academies. Please). No, the source of my anger comes from a bit of news I received earlier that one of the Gonzaga basketball players, who shall remain nameless, tried to hold hands with my little sister, the reigning Ms. Gonzaga. Now I realize in this modern age that girls and boys are becoming attracted to each other earlier and earlier, but this is ridiculous. I didn't even talk to a girl until I was a senior in college, and not because I didn't want to.

We had strict mingling rules when I was at South Bend. Of course, there were the single-sex dorms and classes, but if you wanted to talk to a girl, you had to follow a very strict procedure. First, you would go to confession for five hours. Next, you would fill out a form to send a message to the girl you were trying to communicate with. The message would then be read by the nuns and possibly censored. Finally, the note would be delivered about three weeks later. Thankfully, the school lightened up on these restrictions senior year, and we were finally allowed face-to-face contact. But I digress. Talking in person is one thing, but physical contact is quite another. I would definitely be in favor of a rule at Gonzaga that would require all male students to stay at least 10 feet away from my sister (and I guess the other female students).

Let me issue this proclamation to you, Unnamed Gonzaga Basketball Player: if you ever try to hold hands with my sister again, you'd better marry her or I will end you.

MVP Baby

Yesterday I posted about Gonzaga, and lo and behold Adam Morrison drops the Spurs like a bad habit that very night with 27 points. This is the beginning my friends, I will soon wear a split basketball jersey w/ half being the Morrison Gonzaga jersey and the other half being the Morrison Bobcats jersey. I will do this of course in honor of Brady Quinn's sister who came up w/ the brilliant idea last year right before Notre Dame got pounded in the ass by Ohio State.

On a more general note, I want to get it on the record that Morrison will be better than Larry Bird. He's already surpassed him in mustache ability, not to mention hair. He's obviously way smarter than Bird because Bird went to Indiana State (is that even a real school), while Morrison went to Gonzaga. The academic rigors of Gonzaga are so intense that most basketball players can't handle it, that's why they're not number one in recruiting every year.

Just wait, when Morrison becomes a star, I'm going to say "look, that guy went to the school that I root for, that I didn't actually go to and don't live anywhere near." And when someone makes fun of Gonzaga they will be viciously punched in the stomach.

Week In Review

The big news of the weekend was obviously that Notre Dame took care of business against Air Force. If you're not aware, Air Force runs the option, which is next to impossible to stop. You can tell by their 4-5 record. We have to play all these service academies in rivalry games. I hope everyone realizes that they come to play!

I don't think any other team in the country (other than the 4 who already beat them) can stop that incredible option attack. The greatness of Notre Dame is validated. Next up: Army. I can't believe we scheduled Navy, Air Force and Army all in a row. That would be a death sentence for any other team in the country.

Now, onto the mighty Gonzaga Bulldogs. Last night they played Rice in a battle of small, largely unknown schools that each have an overachieving athletic program. It was a hard fought game and I had to stay up until 3 AM to watch it, but the 'Dogs got the W 88-50. That was the good news of the night.

The bad news came this morning when I woke up to realize that Gonzaga was not in the top 25. That's outrageous. The 'Dogs are 2-0, undefeated, and they beat Rice! If they aren't put in the top 10 soon, so that they can play no one and stay in the top 10 until losing to UNC-Wilmington in the first round of the NCAA Tourney, I'm going to lose my mind.

Stating The Obvious

Today on ESPN.com, Rod Gilmore asks why Wisconsin is ranked behind Notre Dame and determines that the Badgers lack sex appeal. Since this is an Insider article (which I get for free for reasons which I'm sure you can figure out), I will post some of the relevant points.

Wisconsin is the girl next door. You know the type: smart, dependable and pretty in an average sort of way -- not the drop-dead gorgeous looks of Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johansson or Halle Berry.

Notre Dame is the sexy, glamorous woman every guy wants to date. Wisconsin doesn't have an NFL top pick and cover boy quarterback like Notre Dame's Brady Quinn.

I think it's pretty clear from this comparison above that Notre Dame is Scarlett Johansson, who is the hottest female on the planet. Wisconsin, on the other hand, is the homely girl who even with some new clothes and a new hairstyle would still look pretty gross. It's true. Badger QB John Stocco is really ugly, and I don't think I need to further expound on Brady Quinn's looks.

While it's a shame that Wisconsin will probably be left out of the BCS, that's what happens when you recruit the actual girl next door and not The Girl Next Door (Elisha Cuthbert), who was a porn star.

Adam Morrison update

According to Rotowire, Adam Morrison is "struggling to adjust to the NBA." I think we all know that this is preposterous. I'll admit that his stats (11.8 pts, 1.8 reb, 1.3 ast) are underwhelming, but there's more to basketball than stats. There's teamwork, passing, scoring points, having an amazing mustache, and not being afraid to cry when things don't go your way. Actually, I think it's only those last two.

Anyway, it's not Morrison's fault for starting off so slow, it's the Bobcats fault for their ridiculous draft strategy. Over the past three years the team has drafted some of the elite college basketball players from the previous season, which is confusing for Morrison. He's used to playing against these guys in the NCAA tournament and in NCAA Basketball 05-07, not with them. So when he sees Emeka Okafor open under the basket, his first instinct is to not pass it to him because that would be a turnover. However, when he realizes that Okafor is actually on his team, he is usually covered. It's a work in progress. At least he's playing. Teammate Primoz Brezec is out 2 weeks from exhaustation and dehydration. Where does he think he is, the Sahara? Drink some Gatorade and get back on the court.

Angry fan threatens Flutie, kin
By Norman Miller/ MetroWest Daily News
Tuesday, November 14, 2006

FRAMINGHAM - An unhinged Texas Longhorn fan who blames Doug Flutie’s televised analysis for the team’s upset Saturday threatened the former football star and his family in an electronic mail message, police said.

Damn it, WMD, calm down.

Our Other No. 5 Team

So apparently Notre Dame has a hockey team (which I just discovered, since hockey isn't really a sport). And wouldn't you know it? The Skating Irish (I just made that up) are ranked number 5 in the country, which is the same ranking as our beloved football team.

I checked out the team's schedule, and also like our football team, we play one of the most grueling schedules in the country. Seriously. We play the no. 4, 6, 8, 15, and 19th ranked teams, and we already beat the 7th ranked team. Honestly, the hockey team must have hired one of our former assistants to do their scheduling because this schedule is a mine field.

Now apparently our hockey team is a member of a conference, but this is completely different situation than our football team. The hockey team doesn't make any revenue, so it's ok for them to be a member of the CCHA and use the conference's resources so we can focus all our energy on getting Brady into Canton before he gets drafted.

UPDATE: One of my "friends" has claimed that I do not care about hockey because I am not Canadian. However, only three of our 26 hockey players are from Canada. Since our football team has three fewer Canadians than our hockey team, this criticism is baseless. Also, hockey was invented in Scotland.

A Potential Guest Blogger?

I am a big fan of Regis Philbin, not just because he is an alumnus of Notre Dame (Class of 1953 baby!), but because he was the host of one of the greatest game shows of all time. This morning while I was watching Live, Regis started breaking down the BCS scenarios exactly as I had done in this very blog the night before. Coincidence? I think not. After finishing his explanation, Kelly Ripa (who didn't even go to college, let alone Notre Dame) said she hoped Rutgers played in the title game over the Irish since she is from New Jersey. What a whore. Since we get all of our best players from New Jersey, there is nothing left but table scraps for Rutgers, so they are clearly a horrendous team.

I'm trying to get on the phone with Regis's people to see if he'll write a guest entry or maybe even mention this blog on the show this week (God know we need the traffic. I'm still $994 away from Fiesta Bowl tickets). Hopefully this will snowball into a guest appearance from yours truly during which I will wear my signature Notre Dame hat and shirt combo. Maybe they can film me over in Atlantic Studios and then I can appear on PTI after I'm done talking to Regis. I bet they need a guest for "Five Good Minutes" this week.

BCS = Best Championship Series

Have I told you how much I love the BCS? Well, in case I haven't let me just say this: THE BCS RULES! Seriously, I love this thing. On Friday, the national title game was just a dream in the back of my mind (although it was a huge dream and the back of my mind is pretty close to the front of my mind). Now, I'm ordering seat cushions for the game and will be camping out in Glendale trying to get a date with last year's Fiesta Bowl Queen.

What do we have to do to jump up to No. 2? Nothing, since we're obviously going to be No. 1, but hypothetically, here's what would need to happen. We need to beat Army by 145 points and then beat USC in 8 OTs to create the illusion that USC is almost as good as us (when in reality, we would probably win by 50 if we were trying and the Genius wasn't hitting the buffet instead of coaching during the game). Michigan also needs to beat OSU so that our one loss is against the "best" team in the country (even though they clearly cheated. I'm breaking down the game film as we speak). Finally, Florida and Arkansas need to both get DQ'd during the SEC Championship game for not scheduling us this season.

Rumble In the Rockies

A victory today will go a long way into solidifying Notre Dame as one of the greatest teams of all-time (including any future teams that may play). If we defeat Air Force and Army, President Bush is going to award us the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy and name us an official US service academy, which we pretty much already are, since it's so hard to get into Notre Dame.

The team has been out in Colorado all week at the US Olympic Training Center, getting used to the higher altitude. While other schools would have their athletes miss class during such an excursion, the Genius flew out all the entire team's professors to give class normally. He also flew out all the other students in those classes, so the team could think it was a regular school week.

Now, I don't think you really need to ask who's going to win this game. In fact, it's already been decided. Mr. Weis met secretly with Coach DeBerry last night, and it was agreed that Air Force would concede the game in exchange for Mr. Weis letting Coach DeBerry wear one of his Super Bowl rings for a quarter. The game will of course still be played (need to bring in that TV revenue!), but don't be too shocked when the Air Force defense comes out blindfolded.

Dump Davie the Sequel Part 3

As you may have guessed from the previous Fanmail post, I was responsible for getting Bob Davie fired in 2001 (although it pained me to do so since our 2001 team had a 100% graduation rate. Go education!). I also started the "Whack Willingham" and the "Get the Genius" campaigns. Basically I am behind the past three Notre Dame coaching changes (except George O'Leary; he resigned before I could get "Oust O'Leary" off the ground).

With the Genius firmly entrenched in South Bend indefinitely (Seriously, his feet sunk into the ground last week after eating too much at the Chef's Table), I turned my latest "fire the coach" efforts to one of our opponents - John L. Smith. While you may think it was because of Smith's gross incompetence and his inability to field a consistent team throughout the season that got him fired, in reality, it was that latest loss to the Irish, AND ME, that did him in.

Why John L. Smith? Simple. Michigan State is our rival and they suck (although compared to the rest of 1-A teams, they are pretty amazing). Having one of our rivals be terrible does not really help our strength of schedule, although the rest of our rivals have been so good this season that it hasn't hurt us that much. With Smith gone, the Spartans will finally be able to field a team capable of giving us 58 minutes of competition (in the final two minutes of the game, they will purposely throw an interception for a touchdown or have all their defenders lie down out of respect for our dominance). This will pay great dividends for the next 10 years, as Notre Dame will have THE toughest schedule of all time. Go Green/Go White!

Rutgers Power

I'm going to have to make this a brief post. I'm currently nursing a severe hangover. Last night I went to McFaddens and danced up on some undergrads. I don't know if you guys know, but I have some serious moves. I didn't even wear my ND hat and the ladies were hitting on me like it was their job.

Anyway, Rutgers beat Louisville, completely opening the door for the Notre Dame championship run. Obviously, Notre Dame has the toughest schedule in the country, thus we will be ranked ahead of every other one loss team. Not to mention, if you think the SEC gets upset when they dicked out of the title game, imagine how upset God gets every time Notre Dame gets dicked out of the title game. Like last year, for example. The only reason we lost to Ohio State is because we were so upset at getting screwed out of the title game. I mean we only lost by 3 at home to USC, and they cheated!

Another Thursday Night Game With National Title Implications (for Notre Dame)

Tonight No. 3 Louisville is playing No. 13 Rutgers (these are BCS rankings) in a game that most Irish fans will be watching closely. Should the Cardinals win, Notre Dame will definitely rise in the BCS standings. Should the Scarlet Knights win, people will finally remember that Rutgers has a football team.

Since I am busy creating an Air Force Falcon to burn in effigy this Saturday, I will quickly break down this match-up by looking at our common opponents. Louisville has no common opponents with the Irish, which means they really didn't play a grueling schedule. Shame on them. Rutgers, on the other hand, played at Navy, and so did we. On this one point alone, I give the edge in tonight's game to Rutgers. They beat Navy 34-0, while we beat them 38-14 two weeks later.

Now you might be thinking that since Notre Dame gave up 14 more points against Navy than Rutgers did that the Scarlet Knights are a better team. This is of course false. Navy was clearly looking ahead to its game against us two weeks later, since it's a rivalry game and they always come to play. Rutgers capitalized on this lack of focus and easily beat them. Therefore even if Rutgers wins tonight, they should not jump us in the BCS, since Navy would have beaten them 72-14 if the game had been played after our game.

Fanmail

Some of my loyal readers may be unaware that I used to be a newspaper columnist. Sometimes I would get letters to the editor. Here are some gems prompted by my famous "Dump Davie" campaign manifesto:

[the Dumpster]'s scathing indictment of Bob Davie in yesterday's Observer is ridiculous and deserves a reply. Logic was never a required course at a university, but perhaps the deans should again encourage its study — judging by [the Dumpster]''s lack of it.

First, do not argue from the particular to the general: Poor clock management does not equal poor coaching overall.

Second, do not use false syllogisms. [the Dumpster] states, "If he's a good coach ... he must ... ensure victory." Oh! That's easy! . . .Third, do not use hyperbole as facts. [the Dumpster] states, "Routinely, Bob Davie fails ... [and] "The fact remains, though, that Bob Davie has brought little good to the Notre Dame program." Well, how about recruiting, just for starters?

* * *

I suspect that [the Dumpster] is simply a victim of that numerology that led us all to hope that this would be a perfect or near- perfect season. Perhaps not, but this team and its coach are "stand up guys." Don't count them out yet!

John E. Moore

Wilbraham, Mass.

September 16, 1999

Here is another:

I am replying to [the Dumpster]'s recent criticism of Bob Davie which ran in the Observer. As a proud alumni and die-hard supporter of Notre Dame and her proud football tradition, I must admit that I am repulsed by [the Dumpster]'s statements. While it is true enough that Davie has made mistakes in the area of time management — most notably the LSU safety — footage shown on ESPN tonight indicates that Big Ten officiating, not Davie, was the primary cause of the Purdue loss.

[the Dumpster] like so many other fair-weather Notre Dame "fans," is the first to criticize and the last to understand the complexities of running a football program. Davie can't stop our running backs from fumbling. He can't do anything more than he's done to help a young team adjust to a complex and promising new offense. He didn't recruit the players who "aren't getting motivated" on Saturdays. And he surely can't do anything about officiating that seems smitten with Notre Dame's decision not to join the Big Ten.

* * *

However, [the Dumpster], should people with your viewpoint bring about Bob Davie's resignation, then I hope you apply for the coaching vacancy. You might discover that you, in all your wisdom, might need a little more time to bring a National Champion to South Bend.

Anthony Rossmiller

Notre Dame Class of 1998

September 16, 1999

As Cartman might say, they can suck my balls.

Big Ten? Jonny is a golden god

Since leaving Notre Dame, my luck with ladies has been far better. It is oft lamented how unattractive the Domer Chics are and I'm not here to dispute that. While I am almost completely against joining a conference because we are so much better than everyone else, I have come to the realization that joining the Big Ten would be great for my social calendar. Instead of going to Mr. Day's and other ND bars and watching the games with the Domer/SMIC chics, I could go to the bars of our league rivals to watch the games. Those places, where Penn State and OSU girls hang out, would be filled with primo actionable chicks. I could even wear my hat and it would socially acceptable. I would probably freak them out when they heard my high pitched girl scream after every B-Q first down pass, but by the end the PSU chicks will be so wasted it won't even matter.

I have seen pics of Jonny partying at Penn State and those girls are so much hotter than our girls, its freaking ridiculous. If we join the Big Integer, I could travel to Happy Valley once every two years, which would be frickin' sick. Like boy band ass. Anyway, my laundry is almost ready to come out of the dryer and I have to eat my lean cuisine. GO JESUS!

JoePa is BACK (Edit: In Spirit)

Last weekend, Penn St. "coach" Joe Paterno was injured after one of his players collided with him on the sideline after a play. He was wheeled off the field on a cart, although apparently JoePa made several attempts to jump off and return to the sideline. What a trooper.

Still suffering from a broken leg (you think these things would heal faster! I guess that's because Penn St. doesn't have Jesus's super-secret healing power on its side like we do), Paterno has been relegated to the coach's box for this weekend's game. This turn of events has major implications for Penn St (and the Irish).

With JoePa in the coach's box, his coordinators will no longer have to lean out the window to try to hear what Paterno is yelling from down on the sideline. Surely this will result in wins against Temple and Michigan State, which will propel the Nittany Lions back into the Top 25 and increase our strength of schedule. You go, Joe!

UPDATE: Apparently heeding his doctor's advice, JoePa will not be in the stadium during the game this Saturday, missing his first game since 1977. Instead, he will be tailgating in the parking lot on a motorized scooter.

How Quickly They Forget

I've been sitting here in my underwear eating ice cream out of the tub with my finger and thinking about my man Brady Quinn. What I'm concerned about is that he's not getting the proper amount of Heisman hype.

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with Brady, he is the best QB in the country and could beat a team single handedly (he could have beaten Michigan if he wanted to, he just didn't want Lloyd Carr to get fired.

There's all this talk of these two "Colts" moving up the Heisman chart. That would be Colt McCoy of Texas and Colt Brennan of Hawaii. Everyone wants to make a big deal out the fact that they both have better stats than Quinn. That rationale for the Heisman is ridiculous.

First of all, neither of them go to Notre Dame, which means they obciously couldn't handle the academic rigors of the school, or else they would be at Notre Dame. The only reason every player in the country doesn't go to Notre Dame is because the school is so difficult academically that most students can't handle it without the help of monk-style prayer.

Second, as I've stated before, Notre Dame plays the most difficult schedule imaginable, as evidenced by this. For Quinn to have such nice stats after all the rivalry games and difficult teams we've played is incredible. Most of the time, Notre Dame is happy to have a QB who doesn't throw more picks than touchdowns (because, of course, the schedule is so hard).

Third, Hawaii and Texas? If you don't go to Notre Dame you simply can't be as good as anyone who does go to Notre Dame. Who should win the Heisman really? A couple of guys who have great stats and play on good teams? Or, someone who's endorsed by God?

The Horror, The Horror

Why have you forsaken us?

I am completely distraught right now, thanks to this bit of news. I really can't express how I feel right now, but if I could, I would say that my insides feel like they have been run through a blender on the liquefy setting. While I don't want to blow this out of proportion, I fear that the program may not be able to survive this devastating turn of events.

I remember the last time Notre Dame wasn't on the major networks. It was Halloween 1992, and I was a freshman in high school. I invited Sally Jenkins over to my house to watch Notre Dame destroy Navy (those guys come to play!), but was horrified to find that our RCA black-and-white TV set was not getting the game. Sally left in a huff and she never spoke to me again.

Well, I'm not going to let this happen again. Tonight I am going home to construct a makeshift satellite dish out of aluminum foil and Velveeta cheese. Hopefully this will be able to pick up the Air Force TV feed from Germany. I'll keep you posted, and stay strong, Irish Faithful!

UPDATE: Well, the Velveeta cheese got burned in the microwave, so my satellite dish was a no go. However, a group of enterprising young Irish alumni stormed the offices of CSTV last night, which is airing the game, and they will now be offering a free preview over the weekend. Success! (Although Sally still won't speak to me)

Election Day 2006

Unlike most of you, I won't be watching the election results tonight. The Genius is locked up in a lifetime contract right now, so the one key issue which I care about is not being decided again until the day comes when Mr. Weis eats too many BK Stackers in one sitting and dies of a massive heart attack.

Instead, I'll be checking out Toledo-North Illinois on ESPN2. I'm recommending we put the winner of this game on our schedule for 2008.

Belated Thoughts on UNC-ND

I realize that in the aftermath of our glorious victory over the mighty UNC Tarheels (who should be cracking the Top 25 any day now), I neglected to post my thoughts on the game.

To sum up, we kicked ass. Sure, we gave up a 90-yard kickoff return and a 72-yard touchdown pass in the fourth quarter, but that was on purpose. At that point in the game, we were toying with UNC, so the Genius had the special teams unit try to tackle the returner while running backwards. Needless to say, it was a complete success, and you can be sure we will be trying this tactic again. On that long pass play, the Genius simply told our corners not to start covering the receivers until they were already 40 yards downfield. He wanted to test their speed, and I think we were both disappointed with the outcome, but our secondary is still young, so they will no doubt improve next week.

One area I think we can improve in is our pass attempts by receivers. Going 0-2 is completely unacceptable and surely hurt Brady's chances at the Heisman. I mean, if Jeff Samardzija and Evan Sharpley can't even complete a pass, what does that say about Brady's ability? Nothing actually, which is why he will still win the Heisman. But seriously, those two need to get it in gear, so the Genius can finally implement his three-QB super secret destruction offense.

EDIT: Someone has commented that Evan Sharpley is the backup QB, not a receiver. This of course is false. Although listed as a QB on the roster, Sharpley has never thrown more than 15 passes in his life. In reality, Brady Quinn has the Genius's full vote of confidence and therefore does not need a backup.

Fiesta Bowl, Here I Come!

You may have noticed that there are now ads posted at the top of this blog. Contrary to what you may have heard, I am not trying to generate revenue from this site so I can drop out of law school and sit on my couch all day (maybe in two weeks). No, all revenue from these ads will go towards purchasing tickets to the BCS Championship Game at the Fiesta Bowl, where THE Fighting Irish will no doubt be defending their national title on January 8, 2007 against an extremely inferior squad. Now, I am pretty new to this blog scene, so please post a comment if the ads aren't working properly.

Almost forgot to mention this: in order for me to actually get money from the ads, you need to click on the ad link. So please remember to click each time you visit and hopefully you'll see me on the 50-yard line come January!

BCS = Bullshit Championship Series

I make my disdain of the BCS no secret--it's a terrible way to crown a national champion. Let me illustrate the system's faults with a simple example: Three teams finish undefeated and Notre Dame finishes 9-3. Notre Dame and one undefeated team will therefore not make the national title game, which is ludicrous.

Right now Notre Dame is ranked 9th in the BCS, which, on its own is ridiculous, but let's dig deeper. Cal, which barely beat unranked UCLA, jumped us to get to No. 8, even though we manhandled UNC (the margin of victory would have been greater, but the Genius had Brady Quinn hand off to our third-string running back, who would then run backwards five yards and fall down). This makes no sense. UNC won the national title in basketball in 2005. To beat them is a huge accomplishment because those guys always come to play. Cal, on the other hand, beat UCLA, who only made it to the basketball championship game this season and lost.

To recap: Notre Dame beats 2005 National Champ. Result: No jump in BCS. Cal beats 2006 Runner Up. Result: A two-spot jump.

I could go on about how polls are biased against schools with strong moral values, but I think I've said enough on this topic (until next week when we clobber Air Force but still don't move up to No. 1).

More things that don't happen in South Bend

Apparently some Tennessee football players were arrested for fighting in a nightclub. What these kids were doing out anyway after a loss is puzzling to me. When Notre Dame loses (which, I think we've already established, only happens when our opponent cheats), our players meditate in silence for 36 hours in a cold basement with no windows.

This sort of nightclub fight would never occur in South Bend. Not because our players don't like to go out drinking, but because there are no nightclubs in South Bend. Also, the entire team has a strict curfew, which is enforced ... by God (Jesus enforces it on Tuesday). You don't want to try to sneak out of your room when Jesus is patrolling the hallways; he's pretty fast.

NFL Week 9 Preview

Please. Like I'd actually watch the NFL.

Live Blogging During the Texas game

I bet my friend Wes $5 that Texas would not cover the spread against Ok. State tonight (-17.5). Unfortunately, at this point it looks like I will be out some money on Monday. I have to admit, I am impressed by this Texas team. For a 1-AA team, they have a lot of spunk.

Some of you may be wondering how many points Notre Dame was giving against the Tarheels today. I am sorry to disappoint all of you, but I do not know. You see, gambling on Notre Dame football is stricly prohibited not only on campus, but in the United States of America, as this would be sacriligious. The "line" you may see in the paper for Notre Dame is a hypothetical spread based upon the assumption that Notre Dame is starting its second stringers. For this game, I think it was probably -124.5. My analysis of today's game will be forthcoming, but to summarize, we are playing better than any athletic team has ever done before.

ND-UNC Preview

OK folks, it's time for my preview of the game today. Obviously UNC is outmatched, as is any team who plays ND (Michigan had to cheat to beat us).

If you're not aware, Notre Dame is the best college football program in the history of the world. What that means is that even a bad team such as UNC will give us their best shot of the year. And no, other teams don't have to deal with that. We won a championship like 20 years ago. That's not that long. As far as I'm concerned we're still the champs because everyone that won since then either cheated or the polls were biased and screwed Notre Dame. Thus, I'm declaring that the Fighting Irish are the defending champs and that's another reason why UNC will give us their best shot.

Now, we're not as good at home as we are on the road. No, that's not a sign of poor coaching. We really come together as a team on the road, plus having God expect you to win at home is pretty intimidating. Thus, if the Genius doesn't coach as well today as he normally does, it's because we're at home. That's a disadvantage for us. I wish we played every game on the road.

My prediction on the score: ND 116, UNC 2. They're going to get a safety because ND will have to kneel the ball in the endzone to keep from scoring 150. Have you seen that offense? UNSTOPPABLE! I hope everyone enjoys the greatness of Notre Dame today, and if we're not ranked #1 in all polls this week, I expect the Genius to do some serious bitching. Damn biased voters.

Best Movie in a Long Time!!

I just saw the Borat movie. IT IS AMAZING. It's the best movie I've seen since Rudy. And although it's no where near as good as Rudy, it's a seriously great movie. It should win numerous Oscars. And by numerous I mean ten. Here are my top ten movies of all time for you to contemplate:

10. Neverending Story 2
9. When Harry Met Sally (Deneweth's #1)
8. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
7. Bad News Bears 2
6. Rocky 5
5. Bad News Bears (Billy Bob Thornton version)
4. Unnecessary Roughness
3. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
2. Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers
1. Rudy (Are you kidding, so you even have to ask?)

Traditions Notre Dame Will Not Be Adopting

Some of you have commented that there is no link on the right to the official "Brady Quinn for Heisman" Website. This is because no such website exists. We at Notre Dame have many traditions, but this is not one of them. Our traditions mainly focus on generating revenue for the school, and last time I checked, Notre Dame won't get millions of dollars if Brady wins the Heisman. What other "traditions" do we not advocate in South Bend?

1. Joining a football conference
Why should we join a conference? If we make a BCS game, we get millions of dollars that we don't have to split with anyone. This money goes to developing new hats and t-shirts that our alumni faithfully buy every year, even the year our team is terrible (Wait, did I just write that? Notre Dame has been amazing every year).

2. Yell Practice
We don't have time the Friday night before the game to stand out in the dark and yell loudly for no purpose. That's because all of the students are either sitting quietly in their dorm rooms contemplating Notre Dame's illustrious history or sitting in a five-hour mass quietly contemplating Notre Dame's illustrious history.

3. Rushing the field after a "big" win
At Notre Dame, winning is expected. If we're playing the No. 1 team in the country, we expect to win. If we do win, then we will quietly walk out of the stadium to contemplate the greatness of our school. If we don't win, then the game was never actually played.

Golden Domers in Congress

With the election coming up this week, I thought I'd take a moment to talk politics. It recently came to my attention that John Hall, who used to play in the band Orleans, is running for Congress. I also read that he went to the greatest university on the continent, Notre Dame, but left to pursue his music career. I'm really conflicted about this. Notre Dame prides itself on GRADUATING PLAYERS, but if Hall had never left South Bend, I may never had gotten to dance to "Still the One" at my senior prom in 1996. If I lived in that district, I think I would only vote for him if he promised to go back to school to finish his degree. We need to maintain those graduation statistics!

Division 3 Football Championship

Watching the WVU-Louisville game last night reminded me of the time I accidentally turned on the D3 title game last year. It was awful. I had to go back and watch slow-motion footage of Charlie Weis running up the sideline just to forget what I had just seen.

These two "Big East" teams would probably lose by 60 points against the Notre Dame practice squad. You know who used to play on the practice squad? Rudy. Know where he is now? Well, he's not traveling the country giving motivational speeches about never giving up. That's "Rudy," the look-alike the real Rudy hired to replace him. The real-life Rudy is actually Mike Golic, the hilarious co-host of Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio and future member of the Monday Night Football broadcast team.

Me & Freddy Sanchez, BFF

Did you know that Freddy and I are the same age? At 5'10 he is almost 8 inches taller than me. And Hispanic. Besides that, we have a lot in common. He is the bestest player in the NL. I would rather have him than Derek Jeter, David Wright, A-Rod or even Jesus.

It's S-Word Saturday!

I'm not sure if ESPN coined a stupid nickname starting with S for this Saturday, but if we could open it up to other letters, I would deem this Saturday to be Tar Heel-Beat Down Saturday. I'll post an in-depth analysis of this game tomorrow, so for now, let's look at the rest of the games on the schedule.

No. 20 Georgia Tech v. N.C. State
I question the ranking given to Georgia Tech. They came pretty close to beating us in the opener, so clearly they should be ranked at most two spots behind us. Does Phillip Rivers still play for NC State? I think he was in college when I was in college.

No. 2 Michigan v. Ball State
Those of us in Irish Nation would like to forget how the Wolverines squeaked by us in September, but this team is pretty good. Any team that can beat us at home could probably beat the Patriots.

Michigan State v. Purdue
Spartan coach John L. Smith will be fired after this season, mainly for falling to beat Notre Dame. Fortunately for the rest of our opponents, our athletic director made a deal with everyone we play. Only one coach per season will be fired for losing to us, which I think is pretty fair for Purdue and their ilk.

Stanford v. No. 9 USC
This is a key scouting game for us, as the Cardinal gave us a tough game before they voluntarily took out their starters after the first series out of respect to Notre Dame's history. As for USC, I'd be lying if I said I threw out the ashes of my Reggie Bush effigy from last year. I am frothing at the mouth in anticipation of November 25.

Navy v. Duke
I don't know why everyone is so quick to pick on the service academies. They are almost as American as Notre Dame. I can't say the same for Duke, although I would appreciate a good showing by the Blue Devils as we have them on the schedule next year.

I don't understand

I am very perturbed at the traffic on my hot sister's facebook page. I know there's a whole bunch of perverts out there. I'm too old to understand how that whole facebook thing works so I can't do anything about it. If you would like to know how old I am, check out this web page . Yeah, that was my senior year of college. I'm F'ing old, but at least I'm not fat like Amy.

Please make a comment on the blog if you know how I can find these facebook people that are shamelessly hitting on my sister and beat them down ND-style.

WVU v. Louisville

Beano Cook is going to have a heart attack tonight, not because he is finally going to realize that Ron Powlus didnt win 4 Heisman Trophies at ND- though he should have-but because the Big East is finally playing football games that people want to watch.

The Dumpster and my far better looking cronies will be watching tonight in my favorite place, Northern VA at Bailey's on the Ballston metro. Come down and watch me get drunk off of 4 beers.

The Bottom Ten...

Today, ESPN.com came out with their Bottom 10. Every week they pick the ten worst football teams in the country. My problem here is that two of Notre Dame's opponents are on it, Stanford and North Carolina.

This is ridiculous. Notre Dame is the awesomest football team ever. We could definitely beat the Houston Texans and probably even the Atlanta Falcons (you know that running back we turned into a linebacker would contain Vick all day). If either of those teams can even score a point on us they should be at least in the top 50. Just playing the greatness of Notre dame should bump both teams out of the Bottom 10.

As usual, this is the media's bias against Notre Dame. It's a bunch of writers who are jealous that Notre Dame is so great. Stay tuned because I'm going to come up with my own Bottom 10 that is a lot more precise than those biased writers.

One step closer to Rookie of the Year

14, 3, 2, 2

Memorize that stat line, because you're going to be seeing it a lot from Mr. Adam Morrison this season, who entered the league with a bang last night, shooting 5-for-13 in the Bobcats' loss to the Pacers. What the stats don't show is that Morrison drained a 41-foot jumper, which is well within his maximum range of 76 feet. I think you will see Morrison redefine the jump shot this season, as his ability to make shots from the backcourt will allow him to set up on defense very quickly.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Brady Quinn initially was going to play basketball in South Bend, but Charlie Weis (who was still coaching in the NFL at that point) told Quinn that he wouldn't start him in two years if he tried to play both sports. I think he made the right decision, although I wonder what a backcourt of Quinn and Morrison would have looked like in the NBA.

Welcome to the Notre Damest blog ever

Hi I'm Chummy and this is my personal blog site. Here I will give all of the most up to date information on my team, Notre Dame, as well as any other schools that I decide to root for that I did not actually attend.

If you don't know me very well, I'm very passionate about Notre Dame football. I would pay at least $50 to see Charlie Weis naked. Last weekend the team and I had a very tough game against Navy. It's a rivalry game and they come to play every year, even though they haven't beaten us in 43 years. Those dudes come to play!!

Please visit again soon for my preview of this weekend's game against UNC. Notre Dame schedules the toughest teams every year because of our great tradition and history.